What Literally Grinds My Gears

lit·er·al
/ˈlidərəl,ˈlitrəl/
adjective
1. taking words in their usual or most basic sense without metaphor or allegory. “dreadful in its literal sense, full of dread”
2. (of a translation) representing the exact words of the original text.

Any freaking dictionary

Okay, this is getting out of control, people. Everywhere you (figuratively) turn, there’s a thousand (figurative) morons misusing the word “literally,” and it’s (figuratively) making my head explode. I’d say we’re due for a refresher course, but don’t (figuratively) come at me for being pompous: I didn’t make these rules, you know.

The first problem we face lies in the mistaking of the word “literally” for a means of emphasis. People are using it as a denial of exaggeration or embellishment, the way they once used the words “really,” or “truly,” or “seriously.”

“Seriously, brah, I totally banged my sister’s ass in my dad’s bed last night” would be a correct (or least acceptable) use of these terms

Of course, using “literally” as a way to communicate that “I’m totes not joking, guys” is almost right, but still completely wrong. Please direct your attention to the most important phrase in the above definition of the word “literal,” which is, “without metaphor or allegory.” This phrase is key to the correct function of the word “literally,” which is to mark that whatever is being said is not, in fact, a figure of speech.

For example: if you become attracted to the gal in the house beside yours, then you are right to say that you have “literally fallen in love with the girl next door.” “Girl next door” being an age-old metaphor, the word “literally” correctly points out that, in this particular case, the metaphor isn’t necessary. The words of the sentence express its meaning without approximation.

Here’s another one: Say you’re doing some work in the yard, and you tear one of your gluteal muscles while reaching for the hedge trimmers. In this case, you’d be correct in saying, “I’m literally busting my ass out here!”

Next: suppose you get in an argument, and the other guy gets so angry that he swings a sledgehammer at you and crushes both of your testicles. Even the most anal diction-nazi couldn’t stand up to you if you said, “He’s literally breaking my balls over this!”

Finally, say you’ve just been in a firefight, and you discover that your car won’t start because there’s a bullet in the engine. You can feel safe in knowing that you now have full rights to say,

“The alternator’s shot. Literally.”

Leave it to Mike to show us the way. I hope what I’m saying is (figuratively) sinking in, because there’s still more to talk about.

You see, the other big “literal” problem arises when people use the word for its opposite purpose, i.e., to enhance a figure of speech instead of to neutralize it. You should never, ever do this, unless your aim is to sound like a character from Idiocracy. Observe:

• Unless you live in the slums of Ethiopia, odds are you’re not “literally starving to death.”
• The phrase “he literally said that with his eyes” sounds like something out of a Clive Barker novel.
• If you “literally never spend time at home,” then you are, in effect, homeless.
• It is impossible to say that you’re “literally dying of laughter” because you’d be gasping too hard to speak.
• For your head to be “literally killing” you, it would have to have separated from your body, taken hold of a weapon, and then found the leverage to wield it so as to perform a lethal blow. Of course, by this point, the separation would have already killed both you and the head.

So come on, folks: the next time you want to tell the story of how your online waifu literally broke your heart, think a little before you speak. Otherwise, your friends might mistake you for a zombie with a hole in its chest, and blow your brains out with a .32 special. The only good news there is that you’d then be correct in saying that your friends literally ghosted you.