8Chan Idiots

Day Eight, GamerGate: What’s the hot-button issue of the day? Police racism? The economy? No no no no, what’s wrong with you? It’s chicks in video games, man! Yes, that’s right, to hear some stupid little kids tell it, the defining problem of our generation is women using their womanly woman-ness to co-opt their holy boy’s club.

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So this woman named Zoe Quinn made one of those insufferable “artistic” indie games, and then apparently got sexually involved with some online reviewers with the intent of getting her game some extra attention. The video game world exploded. It was a betrayal of the lowest sort. A girl used her body to get attention! Shame on those journalists! How could they fall for such an obvious ploy?

And as we all know, real men

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would never

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fall for something

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so shameless!

Now, never you mind that major video game publishers have been coercing reviewers to soften their opinions for years, this Zoe Quinn thing was just too much. Anyone who reads comments sections of major game review sites knows that the integrity of video game reviews is sacred. If a reviewer gives a game a lower score than fans like, it’s clearly because the site has some bias against the developer. If a game gets a higher score than is expected, especially if it’s Call of Duty, it’s clearly because the site was paid off. How do gamers know what the scores should be? They go by the hype, the first-look articles, the free advertising that sites do months before the games are released, so, of course, they’ve already decided whether the game is good or not, and can’t allow anyone to disagree with them, even if it’s the site itself. Now that’s integrity!

It was this smug, self-absorbed mentality that caused gamers to inflate their mission and name it “GamerGate,” as though favoritism in fucking video game reviews is anywhere near in importance to presidential abuse of power.

When it comes to games, these people need the opinions of the world to coincide with their own, or else they get upset. No, I mean, really upset. Upset enough to kill. Gamers called Quinn a cunt, a bitch, a whore, and rained a tidal wave of death and rape threats upon her. They found out where she lived and published her address. They found some nude photos of her and spread those around as well. Then someone realized that the real problem wasn’t with the wily powers women have at manipulating journalistic opinion, it was this uppity feminist movement that made women think they could change the system! Every minute, there’s another woman pushing her feminist agenda on video games, screeching for “equality.” How, exactly, would this agenda change anything? Um, no one really knows, but something had to be done if video games were ever to be safe for teenaged boys again!

Their conclusion? Anita Sarkeesian had to die.

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Sarkeesian has some YouTube show called “Tropes vs. Women in Video Games,” which is pretty much what it sounds like. When she launched a Kickstarter to keep the show funded, the GamerGate boys recognized her as their sworn enemy, and descended on her like a plague of locusts. An extensive and exhaustive online harassment campaign began, starting with the same shit Quinn had to deal with, and reaching a head with the threat of a massacre at the university where Sarkeesian planned to give a lecture. The story hit the papers, but the general public rolled their eyes. Anyone who might have cared realized that you can’t argue with retards and walked away. Sarkeesian canceled the lecture, but she kept making her videos. Uncertain of whether they won or lost anything, the GamerGate boys kind of dissipated, but the fire in them still burns! The #GamerGate hashtag is still kicking with lively discussion about those horrible women screwing up the review curve, and how blind the rest of the world is to all the damning evidence of wrongdoing. They even made a “blacklist” of users who don’t take their issue seriously (read: most of humanity), and they disseminate it amongst themselves so they can mute those who would contaminate the think tank.

I don’t know what these kids are so paranoid about. I’m a gamer myself, and I know for a fact that our precious hobby has never been in any danger. Anyone who’s concerned about the way females are portrayed in games is fighting a losing battle. There’s too much money in games for them to change now. There’s a reason that your favorite games show big muscly guys on their box art. There’s a reason the CD aisles at Target look like the porno section of a 7-Eleven. There’s a reason that half the movies in the theater are about comic book characters. The teenage male reigns supreme as the big money demographic. If you’re a teenage male, you are the target audience for EVERYTHING.

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The other reason feminism won’t gain any traction is because there are far too many women who are perfectly happy with the way things are. The internet is loaded with women who are glad to show off their goodies if it means getting likes and subscribes. This is doubly true if video games are involved. Women who dress up as sexy video game characters garner huge followings. Female gamers on YouTube invariably show themselves in bikinis. The gaming broadcast service Twitch had to put up a cool-it notice on their site because too many people were live streaming themselves playing games naked. Gamers should know better by now: there is no “agenda” that can stop the floppy, rubbery juggernaut that is the clickbait tit. The war is already over. Feminism in video games is dead, and women themselves have killed it with their cheap pandering for hits. If they really believed they could share the hobby with boys on equal terms, they wouldn’t take pictures like the ones shown above, but as Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj taught us, you can’t get attention by being modest and reserved. We live in the “look at me” society, the Attention Age, and the party isn’t about to stop any time soon. I’m waiting for the day when some girl puts up a YouTube video of herself sticking an NES controller in her vagina. She won’t even be playing a game; it’ll just be her in a chair, naked, fucking an NES controller. It’ll happen, too, you watch. Angry moms will get the video taken down, but the girl will still collect millions of slobbering subscribers, each of them a desperate teenaged boy posting comments like “omg u r so hot.” Then other female YouTubers will get jealous and start posting their own videos of themselves fucking game accessories, and soon we’ll have a whole cottage industry of amateur, video game-related porn, made just the way boys like it.hannahminx

So take a chill pill, gamers. You’re still in charge here. Lie back on your parents’ couch, take a tug on that big bottle of Mountain Dew, and get back to tea bagging each other. The boobies will be there for you tomorrow, and that’s a guarantee.

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Author: lisvender

Writer and animator in Central California.

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