Five-Yard Penalty for Beating

Day Five, NFL Controversy: A recent survey showed that fifty-percent of Americans wouldn’t want their sons to play professional football.


I kid. Football could vanish from the face of the earth, along with all the other pointless distractions we call sports, and it wouldn’t bother my ass. But what’s going on with everyone else? Are the reports of blown knees, painkiller addiction, and long-term brain damage finally getting through? Nope, it’s because the NFL is full of very naughty boys. Who knew?

To me, sports are no more than the continued buying and selling of steroid-chomping alpha males who spend their Sundays beating the shit out of each other. In a society where the hairiest, angriest guys are no longer guaranteed success, the locker room is their last gathering place. So it confused me when people saw the Ray Rice elevator video and got all shocked over it. Here’s a twenty-something who’s paid millions of dollars to crush, pound, and grunt, and it bothers you that he’s a little aggressive? What were you expecting?


I’m not saying the guy’s innocent, or that what he did was okay. I mean, there’s a freaking video and all. I just don’t understand the sudden public freak-out. You give a kid money, performance-enhancing drugs, and the ego that comes with unjustified idolatry, and these things are going to happen. Besides, his gal Janay refused to press charges. She realized she probably deserved to be socked out of her shoes and dragged like a cavewoman, and then married the guy. See? Love conquers all. Can we focus on real issues now?

But no, Adrian Peterson had to go and smack his kid with a stick, and back we went to square one.Adrian Peterson

Obviously, there was something wrong with the NFL, and commissioner Roger Goodell was solely responsible for not keeping his boys in line. What was he thinking, anyway? This is America, man! If we can’t count on hopped-up meatheads to be the paragons of our culture, who can we count on? Men who knock heads, crash into each other, and throw balls around for a living can’t just go acting like savages! Even the president expressed his disappointment and gave Goodell a stern finger-wagging. The league clearly wasn’t doing enough to control its players’ personal lives.

So Goodell announced some stern new rules designed to discourage his players from taking their work home with them. Suspension (with pay of course), private investigations, that sort of thing. Everyone felt a lot better about themselves, knowing that domestic violence would never soil their beloved sport again. And on Thanksgiving night, Americans showed their gratitude for the fine society they lived in by watching their overpaid idols get back to slowly killing each other.


Author: lisvender

Writer and animator in Central California.

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